There are a few things we can do to break the power and control cycle in our lives. It is frustrating to be stuck in anything. The good news is that we can get unstuck. Here are six things that will help us get out of the cycle.
1. We must admit that we are in the cycle and that we struggle with power and control tendencies.
2. We must confess that we struggle with power and control in our lives and share our struggle with someone. By confessing we bring our struggle to the light and expose it to others. This allows us to get help, be accountable and find healing.
3. We need to seek help. We cannot do this alone. We need to learn other alternatives and have accountability in our lives. We may seek help from a domestic violence group, anger management group, communication class, a counselor, a sponsor, our higher power and a wise friend.
4. We need to change the environment. By changing the environment we mean making sure that it is healthy and safe. We need to make sure that it is safe for others to be around us and begin to create a safe environment for those around us. If we are in an abusive or unsafe relationship we may need to set a boundary and leave that person. We may also need to change who we hang out with (friends, peers, etc.) if they are a negative influence on us and our belief system.
5. We need to learn to confront our problems instead of running away from them. We should no longer stuff our feelings or ignore others feelings. We should deal with our problems and issues.
6. We need to practice the tools we have learned to remain calm and in control of ourselves. We can use the tools in the marriage toolbox (when we encounter tension) such as timeouts, positive self-talk, deep breaths, reflective listening, "I" messages, prayer, reality checks, and journaling.
Showing posts with label Power and Control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Power and Control. Show all posts
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Friday, February 17, 2006
Power and Control Cycle
One of the first steps to change is identifying that there is a problem. If we can admit that we have a problem then we can open the door that leads to change. If a doctor tells a patient that he has an illness and the patient ignores the doctor he will inevitably get worse. If he agrees with the doctor and they come up with a treatment plan he can possibly be cured. When it comes to domestic violence it is critical to understand the power and control cycle and how we are caught up in it. When we can admit that we are in the DV cycle then we can begin to find the way out.
HOW IT STARTS
When we first initially enter into a relationship everything appears great. We may be deeply attracted to this particular person and feel the warm fuzzies inside when they acknowledge us or say something nice. After getting to know this person over a period of time, often brief, we may even engage in a sexual relationship with this other person. When this occurs we may begin to have stronger feelings and may "fall in love" with this person. This is what we call the honeymoon stage.
But something happens. It is inevitable. Tension arrives and begins to affect the relationship. Tension can arise from many things. Maybe one person loses their job, someone is annoyed because they are tired of doing all the housework, or maybe jealousy creeps in. Regardless of the reason, there is tension and every relationship will encounter it at some point. This is the tension stage.
What occurs in the domestic violence cycle is that one of the individuals (or both) begin to deal with this tension in an unhealthy and controlling manner. When tension is present the aggressor may begin to yell, criticize, mock, swear and/or level harsh insults at their partner. For some couples the yelling and harsh insults become the norm, or the language of the relationship. When the yelling and insults don't appear to work the aggressor may then resort to other power plays. He may use sarcasm, offensive language, and threats may be verbalized. And of course, if that doesn't work then the aggressor may begin to throw objects, destroy property, slam doors, and eventually use violence. All of these actions and behaviors are a part of the explosion stage.
After the explosion or explosions the aggressor may be remorseful. He may offer an apology or a peace offering (flowers, candy, a gift, etc.). This is where the couple makes up and reconciles and then the honeymoon stage begins again. But it is only a matter of time until tension arrives and the cycle begins all over again.
Power and Control Cycle
Honeymoon stage -------> Tension --------> Explosion --------> Honeymoon stage (starts again)
HOW IT STARTS
When we first initially enter into a relationship everything appears great. We may be deeply attracted to this particular person and feel the warm fuzzies inside when they acknowledge us or say something nice. After getting to know this person over a period of time, often brief, we may even engage in a sexual relationship with this other person. When this occurs we may begin to have stronger feelings and may "fall in love" with this person. This is what we call the honeymoon stage.
But something happens. It is inevitable. Tension arrives and begins to affect the relationship. Tension can arise from many things. Maybe one person loses their job, someone is annoyed because they are tired of doing all the housework, or maybe jealousy creeps in. Regardless of the reason, there is tension and every relationship will encounter it at some point. This is the tension stage.
What occurs in the domestic violence cycle is that one of the individuals (or both) begin to deal with this tension in an unhealthy and controlling manner. When tension is present the aggressor may begin to yell, criticize, mock, swear and/or level harsh insults at their partner. For some couples the yelling and harsh insults become the norm, or the language of the relationship. When the yelling and insults don't appear to work the aggressor may then resort to other power plays. He may use sarcasm, offensive language, and threats may be verbalized. And of course, if that doesn't work then the aggressor may begin to throw objects, destroy property, slam doors, and eventually use violence. All of these actions and behaviors are a part of the explosion stage.
After the explosion or explosions the aggressor may be remorseful. He may offer an apology or a peace offering (flowers, candy, a gift, etc.). This is where the couple makes up and reconciles and then the honeymoon stage begins again. But it is only a matter of time until tension arrives and the cycle begins all over again.
Power and Control Cycle
Honeymoon stage -------> Tension --------> Explosion --------> Honeymoon stage (starts again)
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Power Struggles in Relationships
As far as we can go back in time it seems like there have been power struggles going on between men and women. In Genesis 3:18 we are told about where this power struggle originated. It tells us about the consequences of Eve's sin (having eaten of the forbidden fruit) and enlightens us on its effects on the relationship between a man and woman.
It reads, "To the woman he [God] said, 'I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.'"
Here we see that something new has occurred in the marriage relationship. Aside from the pains of childbearing, the woman will now desire for her husband and he will rule over her. The word used for "desire" comes from the Hebrew word tesuqah which seems to indicate a desire that is evil in nature such as desiring for power.
It appears that the "desire" mentioned here of the woman is in reference to wanting to gain the upperhand in the relationship; but because she is the weaker vessel (physically) her husband will dominate her by force. Which has been exactly what has happened over the course of history. Throughout history women have been treated as cattle, property and have had very few rights until recently. For a long time, even in the United States, the battering of women was widely accepted and understood as a male's right and privilege in American soceity. It wasn't until approximately the 1870's that courts in the United States began rejecting the legal justification to beat a woman. In some cultures today women are still beaten and considered property.
But this was not the way it was supposed to be. God's plan was that both man and woman would reflect the image of God and work together as a team (Genesis 1:26-28, 2:18).
So, what do we do now that we understand where the battle of the sexes began? And how can we counter this dynamic in our relationships and marriages?
We must go back to God's blueprints for marriage and accept that we are all guilty of using power and control in our relationships. Use of power and control does not just mean physical abuse. It entails any form of abusive behavior (emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, economical abuse, sexual abuse, and any type of manipulation).
By focusing on respecting our partners and equality in a relationship we can overcome the natural tendency to revert back to the use of power plays to get what we want. When we do this love is in action and can be manifested in the relationship. When we use power and control we are being selfish.
Homework
List how you have used power and control in your relationships (use the power and control wheel and the domestic violence handout).
Write down for each example listed why you used power and control in this situation. What was the distorted thought/belief that prompted you to use power and control?
What could you have done differently in each situation listed? Use the equality wheel or marriage toolbox to answer.
What areas of the equality wheel would you like to continue to work on?
It reads, "To the woman he [God] said, 'I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.'"
Here we see that something new has occurred in the marriage relationship. Aside from the pains of childbearing, the woman will now desire for her husband and he will rule over her. The word used for "desire" comes from the Hebrew word tesuqah which seems to indicate a desire that is evil in nature such as desiring for power.
It appears that the "desire" mentioned here of the woman is in reference to wanting to gain the upperhand in the relationship; but because she is the weaker vessel (physically) her husband will dominate her by force. Which has been exactly what has happened over the course of history. Throughout history women have been treated as cattle, property and have had very few rights until recently. For a long time, even in the United States, the battering of women was widely accepted and understood as a male's right and privilege in American soceity. It wasn't until approximately the 1870's that courts in the United States began rejecting the legal justification to beat a woman. In some cultures today women are still beaten and considered property.
But this was not the way it was supposed to be. God's plan was that both man and woman would reflect the image of God and work together as a team (Genesis 1:26-28, 2:18).
So, what do we do now that we understand where the battle of the sexes began? And how can we counter this dynamic in our relationships and marriages?
We must go back to God's blueprints for marriage and accept that we are all guilty of using power and control in our relationships. Use of power and control does not just mean physical abuse. It entails any form of abusive behavior (emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, economical abuse, sexual abuse, and any type of manipulation).
By focusing on respecting our partners and equality in a relationship we can overcome the natural tendency to revert back to the use of power plays to get what we want. When we do this love is in action and can be manifested in the relationship. When we use power and control we are being selfish.
Homework
List how you have used power and control in your relationships (use the power and control wheel and the domestic violence handout).
Write down for each example listed why you used power and control in this situation. What was the distorted thought/belief that prompted you to use power and control?
What could you have done differently in each situation listed? Use the equality wheel or marriage toolbox to answer.
What areas of the equality wheel would you like to continue to work on?
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