Our emotions are a bridge to our heart and a means to receiving a precious gift. Yet, so many of us do not take the journey to our heart and we miss the gift. The gift is becoming aware of what we need. Because our feelings are always linked to our needs we can quickly find out what we need in any particular situation by simply allowing our feelings to help us identify our needs. This is a gift because it allows us to resolve the hurt in us and satisfy our needs.
Unfortunately, many times we do the opposite. When we feel a negative emotion we may ignore it completetly and/or react violently towards others.
How many times have we felt angry and as a result insulted, judged, criticized, blamed or physically hurt someone? Probably too many to count. Many of us don't know what to do when we feel angry, furious, frustrated, hopeless, lonely, despondent and many other emotions because no one has taught us what to do. We live in a society that has taught us to stuff our emotions and a society that is feelings illiterate.
So, what can we do? Well, for starters become aware of what we are feeling. When we are upset we can simply ask ourselves "What am I feeling?" We can become conscious of what is going on inside us. Once we put our finger on the emotion we are feeling we can then go on to vocalize it. Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication, has a four-step process for communication that incorporates identifying our feelings and needs into the model. Part of that model involves asking the question, "I am feeling _______ because I am needing ______."
When a check engine light goes on in my car I know that something is wrong with my car. It is wise for me to check out what is wrong and find the source of the problem. Our feelings are like the check engine light for us. They tell us when something is wrong with us and we do well to open the hood and to check out what the problem is. For instance, if I am feeling tired it may be because I am needing rest. The problem may be that I am not sleeping enough. Well, when I identify the need I can do something about it. Just like when I know that my car needs oil and I can fill it up with new oil.
So, what we can do when we are feeling upset is ask ourselves, "What am I feeling and needing right now?" or say, "I am feeling _______ because I am needing __________."
This will help us to focus on our human need and when we know that we can go from there to getting our needs met. Our feelings are always attached to a need (whether it is an unsatisfied need or satisfied need).
When we focus in on our feelings and needs we avoid focusing on others and what they are saying or doing that is bothering us. By stating our feelings and needs to others we avoid blaming and criticizing others as well. We can then go on to making a request to help us satisfy our recognized need.
Another thing that we can do is become aware of certain feelings that have tended to lead us to react negatively toward others or toward ourselves. We can make a list of these feelings and be on the look out for them. It may be that we need to take a timeout when we feel these feelings to avoid a conflict. For instance, if we feel furious it may be better to take a timeout and calm down. Then when we are calm, focus on sharing our feelings and needs with others.
Suggested Homework Assignment:
1. Make a list of feelings that have in the past led to trouble.
2. Practice making the statement "I feel _____ because I need ______" for each of these feelings.
