Most of us have developed our own roadmap when it comes to handling anger and conflict. Whether we are aware of it or not there is a pattern that we follow. For many of us it is a map that leads to disharmony, pain, anger and disconnection.This map that we follow can be so familiar that we can almost predict what will happen next when it gets going. And if we can't predict it because we haven't looked at it closely many times others who know us well can. It is like a dance that has been perfected and becomes so familiar that we tend to come back to it every time.
The key to not following the map to disharmony, pain and disconnection is to be conscious of it. When we start to identify the key things that we do and get stuck on (our landmarks) we can then wake up and realize we are beginning to follow our map to pain and heartache. At that moment we can choose to take a different path by slowing down and putting the brakes. We may take a deep breath and then decide what we can do different. At this point it is helpful to have created another map that leads to harmony, peace and connection with ourselves and others. This we can call our map to peace.
Our roadmap usually entails four main areas (our thoughts, our emotions, our body, and our behavior). For instance someone may start out thinking that it is not fair that someone did not wash the dishes. From there this person may go on to feel disappointed. They may be sensing their muscles tightening or blood pressure going up. They may be pacing around. This would be the early stage.
Then this person may think that this other person who did not do the dishes is lazy or irresponsible. They now feel frustrated and maybe their hands are sweating or they have a headache. They may be making some erratic hand gestures or yelling at this point. This would be the middle stage.
In the final/late stage this person may be thinking that the other person is selfish and stupid. They may now feel anger or rage. They may have a headache, be flush or dry mouth. At this point they may be insulting others, slamming doors or becoming physically violent. This is an example of a road map that if allowed to be followed leads to this final stage.
Think for a moment about the last time you got upset with something or someone and do the following exercise. Write down your thoughts, your feelings, body signals, and behavior for each corresponding section. Do the early signs first then separate the middle signs and late signs by using a comma. You can also label each sign by putting "early" "middle" or "late" underneath each word you write in each section.
Early Stage, Middle Stage, Late Stage
My Thoughts:
My Emotions:
My Body Signs:
My Behavior:
You may want to ask someone you know well to see if there is anything more that they have noticed in regards to your road map to disharmony that you can add. After you have done this you will have a clear picture of your road map to disharmony. Now you can catch yourself and hopefully stop yourself when you find yourself beginning to follow the map.
The next thing you may want to do is to create a new map; A map that leads to peace and connection with life. This map may include taking a deep breath and timeout to calm down. Once you do this you have changed course. Some people count to 10 to just slow down and stop the routine. You may also include positive self-talk and reality checks. After this you may want to take time to reflect on what are the feelings and needs that you have. After you have done this you can find strategies to meet those needs. You can also ask yourself what are the feelings and needs of the other person so that you can find a way where both of your needs are met. To find out more on how to focus on your feelings and needs and others feelings and needs click here for a road map on how to do this.
CAPTION: Photo provided by flicker.com. To link to the original photo click here.
