Practicing a Timeout

When we feel tension and a strong intensity of negative feelings it is wise to remove ourselves from the situation. Especially, because what we may so or do may cause hurt to others. Below are some steps to taking a timeout when we are involved in a relationship.

Key point - Make sure to talk to your partner about what a timeout is before the need to take one. If not you will not be able to explain what you are doing and your partner may assume you are avoiding the situation.

1. Recognize your emotional cues, body cues and behavioral cues and if you need a timeout decide to take one.

2. Get in touch with what you are feeling in that moment.

3. Let the other person know how you feel and tell them that you are taking a timeout. Example: "I feel tense and am going to take a timeout."

4. Leave the situation (don't linger) and go for a walk.

5. Return in exactly one hour.

6. Let the other person know that you have returned and ask him/her if they are willing to talk. If she is not ready to talk respect his/her wishes and see if you can arrainge for another time to talk.

7. If the other person agrees to talk to you use nonviolent communication (non-threatening language) to resolve the disagreement.


Things To Do (While Taking a Timeout)

Walk, run, or ride a bike.

Identify what your feelings and needs are and consider how to communicate them in a healthy and non-threatening way.

Take into consideration what the other person's feelings and needs are and consider how to help them express them and come to a resolution (may want to use the fishing tool).

Be conscious of the time and make sure to return in one hour. If you need more time call your partner.


Things Not To Do (While Taking a Timeout)

Go to another room in the house.

Drive a car.

Call a friend.

Go to a bar or consume alcohol or drugs.

Use timeouts to escape having to deal with things.

Return earlier than one hour or later than one hour.

Use timeouts to punish your partner.

Use a timeout to plan an attack to win an argument.

Communication Toolbox

If a construction worker went to work without his toolbox he would be in deep trouble. Matter fact, he would probably not be able to accomplish anything that day and lose a day of work. The same is true for us when we encounter a situation where there is conflict or disagreement.

If we do not have some new healthy tools that we can draw from (our toolbox) we are destined to draw from the old tools and strategies (yelling, criticising, silent treatment, threats, intimidation, etc.) that only cause more pain and keep us further away from getting the resolution that we want.

So, here are a couple tools that we can put in our communication toolbox and keep close at hand. If we draw from these tools we will break down the walls that go up many times in our communication with others and build bridges to understanding each other and empathasizing with each other's feelings and needs. This is what brings resolution and enriches our relationships with others.

COMMUNICATION TOOLBOX

1. Timeout (leaving the situation for one hour and coming back after one hour to talk)
2. “I” statements (Example: “I feel frustrated because I need cooperation.”)
3. Fishing Exercise (Example: “Do you feel ________ because you need ________?”)
4. Stitching (repeating back what your partner said)
5. Nonviolent Communication (Giraffe Language)
6. Positive Self-Talk
7. Deep Breaths
8. Reality Checks
9. Journaling (includes 3 column journaling)
10. Making Requests

CAPTION: "Photo courtesy PDPhoto.org."