Building A Life Raft

There is no doubt that society, family and our environment plays a big part in constructing our initial self-image. Every human being has the potential to blossom a personality and self-image that is filled with grace and beauty but many times something goes awry.

Sometimes when love is withheld from a parent or emotional support is deprived a child's self-image and personality are affected in a profound way. Traumatic experiences where abuse is present or where there is abandonment or rejection can deeply affect a child's self-image as well.

For instance if a parent tells their child that he (or she) is a nobody, or incompetent the child will many times project this image as reality and embrace it. This image can affect the child's social skills, grades, and emotional temperament. Another example of a situation that can affect a child's self-image is if a parent is not present in the child's life. The child may interpret this absence by stating to himself, "I am not worthy to be loved" or "I am not lovable."

Other factors that can affect self-image negatively are traumatic experiences with peers or romantic partners or people in authority. What typically happens is that we see ourselves through the eyes of others. Many of us use these images others have of us to define our own self-image. Other people's thoughts about us act like a mirror for us but the mirror many times is distorted. So how do we clean the mirror?

We must dismiss and get rid of the self-images that have been built around untruth. Only by examining our self-image (the messages that we believe about ourselves) can we begin to see what uplifts us and what brings us down. There are pages and pages of messages that we have told ourselves to this date. Some of them are true and some are not. It is wise to write them all down whether positive or negative.

Ruth Myers in her book Christ Life writes that it is wise do an inner identity album and to put labels on the negative messages such as "Unrealistic" and "Do Not Use" and on the positive messages to use the headings "Realistic" and "Use Often."

These positive images can make up what we would call a "Life Raft." When we are questioning our self-worth or doubting ourselves we can go to these positive messages in our Life Raft and allow them to pull us through the waves of deception and distorted thinking that wants to regain control of our mind.

CAPTION: "Photo courtesy FreeDigitalPhotos.net."

Healing Deep Inner Wounds

Many times when we feel hurt or carry a deep pain in our hearts we choose to run away from the pain. It may seem a lot easier to ignore the pain and to tell ourselves that "time heals all."

But as time passes and the pain remains, it begins to affect our lives in ways that we may not even realize. It is as if for every hurt that we ignore we add an emotional twig or small branch to a pile of hurt. With time the twigs will add up to a pile of wood that stands high in the air and is ready to be ignited into a big flame. When these piles of figurative wood are ignited by a tense situation or hurtful word it creates an intense fire that burns and hurts us and others around us.

There are five ways that we can deal with hurt and pain in our lives. The first is denial. When we act in denial we choose to ignore the pain and tell ourselves it is not there. Someone once told me that denial stands for "don't even know I am lying."

Philosopher Denis Diderot said, "We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth that we find bitter."

The second way we can choose to deal with pain is to blame others for our pain. When we do this we build resentments (add more twigs to the pile) and build a wall between us and others.

The third way people can deal with pain is to become consumed with their pain. This is what we would call depression. The person thinks so much about their pain that they are swallowed up with the pain. There may also be some self-hatred and self-blame involved.

The fourth avenue some take to deal with pain is to escape. This can be done by running to alcohol, drugs, sex, eating, gambling, playing video games, etc. This numbs the pain temporarily but the pain grows in time.

All of these ways to deal with pain lead to the twigs piling up and pain controlling the person's life. The fifth way we can deal with pain is to confront the pain gradually by being honest that it is there and dealing with what is alive in us (our hurt feelings and unmet needs).

Proverbs 10:9 tells us that "The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out."(NIV)

When we confront our pain we face the demons in our life. We bring what we are tempted to ignore and hide into the open, into the light. When we don't do this the pain continues to fester and infect our life. It may manifest itself in hatred, resentments, discrimination, revenge, selfishness, rudeness, anger, etc. It becomes evident to all that we have a problem.

Henry Nouwen writes in his book The Inner Voice of Love, "There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal."

Hopefully we will not take the crooked paths to dealing with pain but rather the highway to healing our pain. The road which entails being honest with our present feelings about something someone said or did and realizing what we need. When we realize what we need we can seek ways to get that need met today. We also can then do the work of speaking truth to ourselves. At times it may be helpful to have another person do this because they may be able to see the truth we cannot see.

By confronting our pain we will be doing the work of walking through our pain instead of avoiding it. It is by doing this work that we can escape the dungeons of darkness that pain traps us in and see the light to freedom.

CAPTION: "Photo courtesy PDPhoto.org."

The Detour: My Roadmap to Anger and Disharmony

Most of us have developed our own roadmap when it comes to handling anger and conflict. Whether we are aware of it or not there is a pattern that we follow. For many of us it is a map that leads to disharmony, pain, anger and disconnection.

This map that we follow can be so familiar that we can almost predict what will happen next when it gets going. And if we can't predict it because we haven't looked at it closely many times others who know us well can. It is like a dance that has been perfected and becomes so familiar that we tend to come back to it every time.

The key to not following the map to disharmony, pain and disconnection is to be conscious of it. When we start to identify the key things that we do and get stuck on (our landmarks) we can then wake up and realize we are beginning to follow our map to pain and heartache. At that moment we can choose to take a different path by slowing down and putting the brakes. We may take a deep breath and then decide what we can do different. At this point it is helpful to have created another map that leads to harmony, peace and connection with ourselves and others. This we can call our map to peace.

Our roadmap usually entails four main areas (our thoughts, our emotions, our body, and our behavior). For instance someone may start out thinking that it is not fair that someone did not wash the dishes. From there this person may go on to feel disappointed. They may be sensing their muscles tightening or blood pressure going up. They may be pacing around. This would be the early stage.

Then this person may think that this other person who did not do the dishes is lazy or irresponsible. They now feel frustrated and maybe their hands are sweating or they have a headache. They may be making some erratic hand gestures or yelling at this point. This would be the middle stage.

In the final/late stage this person may be thinking that the other person is selfish and stupid. They may now feel anger or rage. They may have a headache, be flush or dry mouth. At this point they may be insulting others, slamming doors or becoming physically violent. This is an example of a road map that if allowed to be followed leads to this final stage.

Think for a moment about the last time you got upset with something or someone and do the following exercise. Write down your thoughts, your feelings, body signals, and behavior for each corresponding section. Do the early signs first then separate the middle signs and late signs by using a comma. You can also label each sign by putting "early" "middle" or "late" underneath each word you write in each section.

Early Stage, Middle Stage, Late Stage

My Thoughts:


My Emotions:


My Body Signs:


My Behavior:


You may want to ask someone you know well to see if there is anything more that they have noticed in regards to your road map to disharmony that you can add. After you have done this you will have a clear picture of your road map to disharmony. Now you can catch yourself and hopefully stop yourself when you find yourself beginning to follow the map.

The next thing you may want to do is to create a new map; A map that leads to peace and connection with life. This map may include taking a deep breath and timeout to calm down. Once you do this you have changed course. Some people count to 10 to just slow down and stop the routine. You may also include positive self-talk and reality checks. After this you may want to take time to reflect on what are the feelings and needs that you have. After you have done this you can find strategies to meet those needs. You can also ask yourself what are the feelings and needs of the other person so that you can find a way where both of your needs are met. To find out more on how to focus on your feelings and needs and others feelings and needs click here for a road map on how to do this.

CAPTION: Photo provided by flicker.com. To link to the original photo click here.

The Seven Pitfalls to True Manhood

1. Power and Control: Men are educated from a young age to use their power to control others. Power and Control is built on the notion that if someone does something wrong then the authority figure (person with most power) has a right to punish them with violence. Men may witness their father yell, insult, threaten and physically assault others to control them. In school, young boys are expected by their peers and society to fight back using physical violence if harassed or made fun of by others. In movies men are depicted as strong and the hero is characterized as using physical violence to defeat the bad guy at the climax of the film. Most superheroes are also depicted as male.

2. Male Privilege: The notion that it is a man’s privilege to use violence since he is at the top of the pecking order. This belief in a relationship plays out with the man believing that he has certain privileges in the relationship with the woman. He may believe the she is his property. This belief helps define the gender roles for this person. Usually the woman is expected to submit to the man’s wishes, to respect and not talk back, to do the household duties and serve the male. If the woman does not do this to the man’s liking then the man, according to this belief, has a right to punish her. This belief also holds that women are inferior. This can lead to objectification of the female and dehumanizing the woman.

3. Violence as Permissible: This is the belief that violence is normal and permissible. Violence is glorified and portrayed as something to be enjoyed in movies, television, music and sports. Violence is also present in many power dominated structures. In cultures where women are oppressed many times nothing is done by officers of the law when a woman is violently assaulted by her husband or partner. It may be expected to occur and seen as normal or as an appropriate means to resolving conflicts in some households and cultures.

4. Disconnection from Emotions: Men are taught to not be in touch with their emotions. Many times men are scolded for crying, showing emotions of sadness, worry, etc. These emotions are many times viewed as female emotions and discouraged by other men and peers. This produces men who suppress their emotions and only allow themselves to feel certain emotions deemed appropriate such as anger, rage, frustration, impatience, disappointment, etc. Many times men will get angry very quickly because they ignore the underlying emotions behind the anger that can lead them to identifying their needs and satisfying their needs.

5. Mixing up Strategies with Needs: Men are taught that they need money, sex, fame, and power over others. These things may be strategies for meeting needs but are not needs. When men are taught that they need these things they will neglect the real needs they have and focus on the strategies. For instance a man may need acceptance or autonomy and mix it up with thinking he needs fame and power over others. Fame and having power over others are not needs but wants. If men are taught to not mix strategies and wants with needs they would be more in touch with their needs and getting those needs met.

6. Judgmental Thoughts of Others: Men are many times educated to think in terms of right and wrong when it comes to conflict situations and to judge others for their actions. When someone does something that they do not like they are therefore more inclined to have moralistic judgments of others. These moralistic judgments in turn produce anger and a desire to punish others. Insults, threats, yelling, and violence are just some of the ways we punish others. If men were taught to not judge others there would be a lot less violence in men’s lives.

7. Experiences: Many times men have witnessed abuse in their home growing up or in their surroundings. Violence is a learned behavior. Many have even been abused themselves by their parents, a relative or even a stranger. These experiences teach men (many times) to use power and control over others. Also, these experiences may traumatize men and produce issues such as fear of abandonment and attachment problems.

Listening To Our Emotional Cues

Our emotions are a bridge to our heart and a means to receiving a precious gift. Yet, so many of us do not take the journey to our heart and we miss the gift. The gift is becoming aware of what we need. Because our feelings are always linked to our needs we can quickly find out what we need in any particular situation by simply allowing our feelings to help us identify our needs. This is a gift because it allows us to resolve the hurt in us and satisfy our needs.

Unfortunately, many times we do the opposite. When we feel a negative emotion we may ignore it completetly and/or react violently towards others.

How many times have we felt angry and as a result insulted, judged, criticized, blamed or physically hurt someone? Probably too many to count. Many of us don't know what to do when we feel angry, furious, frustrated, hopeless, lonely, despondent and many other emotions because no one has taught us what to do. We live in a society that has taught us to stuff our emotions and a society that is feelings illiterate.

So, what can we do? Well, for starters become aware of what we are feeling. When we are upset we can simply ask ourselves "What am I feeling?" We can become conscious of what is going on inside us. Once we put our finger on the emotion we are feeling we can then go on to vocalize it. Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication, has a four-step process for communication that incorporates identifying our feelings and needs into the model. Part of that model involves asking the question, "I am feeling _______ because I am needing ______."

When a check engine light goes on in my car I know that something is wrong with my car. It is wise for me to check out what is wrong and find the source of the problem. Our feelings are like the check engine light for us. They tell us when something is wrong with us and we do well to open the hood and to check out what the problem is. For instance, if I am feeling tired it may be because I am needing rest. The problem may be that I am not sleeping enough. Well, when I identify the need I can do something about it. Just like when I know that my car needs oil and I can fill it up with new oil.

So, what we can do when we are feeling upset is ask ourselves, "What am I feeling and needing right now?" or say, "I am feeling _______ because I am needing __________."

This will help us to focus on our human need and when we know that we can go from there to getting our needs met. Our feelings are always attached to a need (whether it is an unsatisfied need or satisfied need).

When we focus in on our feelings and needs we avoid focusing on others and what they are saying or doing that is bothering us. By stating our feelings and needs to others we avoid blaming and criticizing others as well. We can then go on to making a request to help us satisfy our recognized need.

Another thing that we can do is become aware of certain feelings that have tended to lead us to react negatively toward others or toward ourselves. We can make a list of these feelings and be on the look out for them. It may be that we need to take a timeout when we feel these feelings to avoid a conflict. For instance, if we feel furious it may be better to take a timeout and calm down. Then when we are calm, focus on sharing our feelings and needs with others.

Suggested Homework Assignment:

1. Make a list of feelings that have in the past led to trouble.
2. Practice making the statement "I feel _____ because I need ______" for each of these feelings.

Practicing a Timeout

When we feel tension and a strong intensity of negative feelings it is wise to remove ourselves from the situation. Especially, because what we may so or do may cause hurt to others. Below are some steps to taking a timeout when we are involved in a relationship.

Key point - Make sure to talk to your partner about what a timeout is before the need to take one. If not you will not be able to explain what you are doing and your partner may assume you are avoiding the situation.

1. Recognize your emotional cues, body cues and behavioral cues and if you need a timeout decide to take one.

2. Get in touch with what you are feeling in that moment.

3. Let the other person know how you feel and tell them that you are taking a timeout. Example: "I feel tense and am going to take a timeout."

4. Leave the situation (don't linger) and go for a walk.

5. Return in exactly one hour.

6. Let the other person know that you have returned and ask him/her if they are willing to talk. If she is not ready to talk respect his/her wishes and see if you can arrainge for another time to talk.

7. If the other person agrees to talk to you use nonviolent communication (non-threatening language) to resolve the disagreement.


Things To Do (While Taking a Timeout)

Walk, run, or ride a bike.

Identify what your feelings and needs are and consider how to communicate them in a healthy and non-threatening way.

Take into consideration what the other person's feelings and needs are and consider how to help them express them and come to a resolution (may want to use the fishing tool).

Be conscious of the time and make sure to return in one hour. If you need more time call your partner.


Things Not To Do (While Taking a Timeout)

Go to another room in the house.

Drive a car.

Call a friend.

Go to a bar or consume alcohol or drugs.

Use timeouts to escape having to deal with things.

Return earlier than one hour or later than one hour.

Use timeouts to punish your partner.

Use a timeout to plan an attack to win an argument.

Communication Toolbox

If a construction worker went to work without his toolbox he would be in deep trouble. Matter fact, he would probably not be able to accomplish anything that day and lose a day of work. The same is true for us when we encounter a situation where there is conflict or disagreement.

If we do not have some new healthy tools that we can draw from (our toolbox) we are destined to draw from the old tools and strategies (yelling, criticising, silent treatment, threats, intimidation, etc.) that only cause more pain and keep us further away from getting the resolution that we want.

So, here are a couple tools that we can put in our communication toolbox and keep close at hand. If we draw from these tools we will break down the walls that go up many times in our communication with others and build bridges to understanding each other and empathasizing with each other's feelings and needs. This is what brings resolution and enriches our relationships with others.

COMMUNICATION TOOLBOX

1. Timeout (leaving the situation for one hour and coming back after one hour to talk)
2. “I” statements (Example: “I feel frustrated because I need cooperation.”)
3. Fishing Exercise (Example: “Do you feel ________ because you need ________?”)
4. Stitching (repeating back what your partner said)
5. Nonviolent Communication (Giraffe Language)
6. Positive Self-Talk
7. Deep Breaths
8. Reality Checks
9. Journaling (includes 3 column journaling)
10. Making Requests

CAPTION: "Photo courtesy PDPhoto.org."

Breaking the Power and Control Cycle

There are a few things we can do to break the power and control cycle in our lives. It is frustrating to be stuck in anything. The good news is that we can get unstuck. Here are six things that will help us get out of the cycle.

1. We must admit that we are in the cycle and that we struggle with power and control tendencies.

2. We must confess that we struggle with power and control in our lives and share our struggle with someone. By confessing we bring our struggle to the light and expose it to others. This allows us to get help, be accountable and find healing.

3. We need to seek help. We cannot do this alone. We need to learn other alternatives and have accountability in our lives. We may seek help from a domestic violence group, anger management group, communication class, a counselor, a sponsor, our higher power and a wise friend.

4. We need to change the environment. By changing the environment we mean making sure that it is healthy and safe. We need to make sure that it is safe for others to be around us and begin to create a safe environment for those around us. If we are in an abusive or unsafe relationship we may need to set a boundary and leave that person. We may also need to change who we hang out with (friends, peers, etc.) if they are a negative influence on us and our belief system.

5. We need to learn to confront our problems instead of running away from them. We should no longer stuff our feelings or ignore others feelings. We should deal with our problems and issues.

6. We need to practice the tools we have learned to remain calm and in control of ourselves. We can use the tools in the marriage toolbox (when we encounter tension) such as timeouts, positive self-talk, deep breaths, reflective listening, "I" messages, prayer, reality checks, and journaling.

Power and Control Cycle

One of the first steps to change is identifying that there is a problem. If we can admit that we have a problem then we can open the door that leads to change. If a doctor tells a patient that he has an illness and the patient ignores the doctor he will inevitably get worse. If he agrees with the doctor and they come up with a treatment plan he can possibly be cured. When it comes to domestic violence it is critical to understand the power and control cycle and how we are caught up in it. When we can admit that we are in the DV cycle then we can begin to find the way out.

HOW IT STARTS

When we first initially enter into a relationship everything appears great. We may be deeply attracted to this particular person and feel the warm fuzzies inside when they acknowledge us or say something nice. After getting to know this person over a period of time, often brief, we may even engage in a sexual relationship with this other person. When this occurs we may begin to have stronger feelings and may "fall in love" with this person. This is what we call the honeymoon stage.

But something happens. It is inevitable. Tension arrives and begins to affect the relationship. Tension can arise from many things. Maybe one person loses their job, someone is annoyed because they are tired of doing all the housework, or maybe jealousy creeps in. Regardless of the reason, there is tension and every relationship will encounter it at some point. This is the tension stage.

What occurs in the domestic violence cycle is that one of the individuals (or both) begin to deal with this tension in an unhealthy and controlling manner. When tension is present the aggressor may begin to yell, criticize, mock, swear and/or level harsh insults at their partner. For some couples the yelling and harsh insults become the norm, or the language of the relationship. When the yelling and insults don't appear to work the aggressor may then resort to other power plays. He may use sarcasm, offensive language, and threats may be verbalized. And of course, if that doesn't work then the aggressor may begin to throw objects, destroy property, slam doors, and eventually use violence. All of these actions and behaviors are a part of the explosion stage.

After the explosion or explosions the aggressor may be remorseful. He may offer an apology or a peace offering (flowers, candy, a gift, etc.). This is where the couple makes up and reconciles and then the honeymoon stage begins again. But it is only a matter of time until tension arrives and the cycle begins all over again.


Power and Control Cycle

Honeymoon stage -------> Tension --------> Explosion --------> Honeymoon stage (starts again)

Power Struggles in Relationships

As far as we can go back in time it seems like there have been power struggles going on between men and women. In Genesis 3:18 we are told about where this power struggle originated. It tells us about the consequences of Eve's sin (having eaten of the forbidden fruit) and enlightens us on its effects on the relationship between a man and woman.

It reads, "To the woman he [God] said, 'I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.'"

Here we see that something new has occurred in the marriage relationship. Aside from the pains of childbearing, the woman will now desire for her husband and he will rule over her. The word used for "desire" comes from the Hebrew word tesuqah which seems to indicate a desire that is evil in nature such as desiring for power.

It appears that the "desire" mentioned here of the woman is in reference to wanting to gain the upperhand in the relationship; but because she is the weaker vessel (physically) her husband will dominate her by force. Which has been exactly what has happened over the course of history. Throughout history women have been treated as cattle, property and have had very few rights until recently. For a long time, even in the United States, the battering of women was widely accepted and understood as a male's right and privilege in American soceity. It wasn't until approximately the 1870's that courts in the United States began rejecting the legal justification to beat a woman. In some cultures today women are still beaten and considered property.

But this was not the way it was supposed to be. God's plan was that both man and woman would reflect the image of God and work together as a team (Genesis 1:26-28, 2:18).

So, what do we do now that we understand where the battle of the sexes began? And how can we counter this dynamic in our relationships and marriages?

We must go back to God's blueprints for marriage and accept that we are all guilty of using power and control in our relationships. Use of power and control does not just mean physical abuse. It entails any form of abusive behavior (emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, economical abuse, sexual abuse, and any type of manipulation).

By focusing on respecting our partners and equality in a relationship we can overcome the natural tendency to revert back to the use of power plays to get what we want. When we do this love is in action and can be manifested in the relationship. When we use power and control we are being selfish.

Homework

List how you have used power and control in your relationships (use the power and control wheel and the domestic violence handout).

Write down for each example listed why you used power and control in this situation. What was the distorted thought/belief that prompted you to use power and control?

What could you have done differently in each situation listed? Use the equality wheel or marriage toolbox to answer.

What areas of the equality wheel would you like to continue to work on?

Our Family Album

When we remember our family and our childhood we all have certain memories or pictures that are filed in our minds. It is as if we have a family album stored there. These images can be good or bad. And these images are very powerful. Matter fact they can shape our lives, our way of seeing ourselves and our future family experiences.

For example if we have stored in our minds a memory of our father or mother abusing us or beating us, this will inevitably affect us in a negative way. We may have a resentment towards our parents, lack of trust, abandonment issues, co-dependency, addictions, self-esteem issues, agressive tendencies, and alot more possible things that may result. Many times because of this children repeat the mistakes of their parents when they have kids (without even realizing what is going on).

The Bible tells us that we will have to deal with the sins of our parents as well. It reads, "You [God] show love to thousands but bring the punishment for the father's sins into the laps of their children after them (Jeremiah 32:18, NIV).

Exodus 20:4-6 tells us that their sins will "visit" the children to the third and fourth generation.

What does that mean?

It means that whether we like it or not we need to deal with the effects of our parents mistakes and confront them or we are destined to repeat history. The best way to confront this is to review the family album we have in our minds. By looking at the negative images and memories we can begin to evaluate them and find out what went wrong. For example, how have these images or events shaped our thoughts, our views, or our capacity to love? I encourage you to take some time to examine and reflect. Below are some questions that can help you deal with the negative images and the distorted thoughts that are stored in your family album. The key once you identify them is to replace the distorted thoughts with positive truth statements.

Other questions to think about:

How have these negative family images or events shaped your thoughts, your views, and/or your capacity to love?


How has my past experiences in my family contributed to the way I view myself and others (children, spouse, friends, co-workers, etc)?


What distorted thoughts/perceptions do I have about myself and others? About family? What are some true positive thoughts about yourself and family?


What distorted images about myself do I visualize first and why?


How has my negative experiences with my family affected me?

Restoring Families

Educating families is very important. Many families are never taught how to manage a family and what a family is supposed to look like. When we buy a car we are given a manual to read. When we start a family we are rarely given instructions or a manual of any kind.

When it comes to restoring families we must realize that we are all affected and influenced heavily by our society, culture (upbringing), peers, teachers, government, etc. None of us are exempt from this. It is important, therefore, to evaluate the affect of these things on our individual beliefs and our family.

I am a domestic violence counselor and deal with this all the time. With having dealt with hundreds of clients in the last five years I have observed that identifying and changing negative beliefs is the key to change. Many of my clients who have physically assualted and abused their partners believed that it was okay to do this because their fathers did this to their mothers and in their culture there were no laws against domestic violence.

I have found that many of these men who act violently had their choices influenced heavily by their upbringing and surroundings. But I have also found that they can change their beliefs and behavior. The problem is in their beliefs. Because they believe that they have the right to hit their partners they act out on this belief.

So, as a counselor I work on helping others identify distorted beliefs and changing them. How do I do this? I present the truth to them (that women are equal to men and should be respected and valued) over a 52 week period and give them tools to help them impliment this change. Some of them come to see this as true and their beliefs and their actions change. Those who become enlightened and align their beliefs to the truth (and not to their previous distorted thoughts) are able to break the chain that has affected many generations before them.

Whether it is domestic violence, child abuse, pride, lack of communication skills, financial struggles, addictions, etc., I hope to help families on this blog by providing information that can bring hope and restoration to the family unit. Hopefully this will be a safe place to find answers and guidance to lead our families into experiencing love, respect and harmony in the home.